You Want to Look Where?
by IRiSEaGLes
Summary: Written for The Houses Competition 2019. Muggle Life Insurance has requirements to be met - including a physical. What happens when pureblood Theo Nott has to have his first muggle physical?


"Honestly mate, I have no idea why I have to go through this muggle exam," the wizard says in just over a mumble into his newly acquired cellphone. "I get that you want to take every precaution necessary, but is this really needed?"

"Of course it is," comes back in a lazy drawl from the other end. "See muggles have this thing called 'life insurance'. It pays money when you die, but to get it you have to pass one of their physicals. So that is what you are doing. The company will pay Romilda the money from the life insurance when you die."

"Fine, I get the theory and appreciate the sentiment, but you do realize I am sitting in a muggle office in a paper drape. Only. A. Paper. Drape." There was no tinge of disgust, Theo Nott has gone way past 'tinge'. He is in a downright embarrassed state of pissed off. "My arse is exposed for all to see."

A chuckle rang through the muggle contraption. "Oh, just you wait. I had to have Granger there when I went through mine. And she took pictures. Pictures mate. I have no idea where she hid them, but they are the most incriminating blackmail that she, or anyone for that matter, has on me!"

"That is what you get for having a muggle born swot in charge of HR. Now you can never fire her." He pauses, a smile quirking his lips. "Has Astoria seen them? Or even heard of their existence?"

"She never will if I have a say." Theo heard a slight commotion on the other end before his laughter erupted. "Oh, Granger says just wait until the prostate exam. You may enjoy that bit a tad too much."

"What is a prostate and how do you examine it?" Theo asked reluctantly.

"Something that helps a man function from what I gathered, and there is coughing involved. That is all you're getting out of me. I need to go though, Theo, my next meeting starts in 5 with Granger and she wants to go over some contracts before then."

"Fine, I will give you an update when I am out of here. And tell Granger thanks for me. Or should I say for Romilda? I get embarrassed up to high heavens, and she gets money. Sounds like the story of my marriage."

Theo hung up the cellular device, he didn't really know all that much about the item other than it was much more efficient than floo calls and faster than owls. Granger had come up with some ingenious ideas and it has made their venture all that more profitable. So what if he has to suffer the humiliation that this appointment involves - especially the paper drape. So what if one afternoon his arse cheeks are exposed for all to see? So what if he is bored out of his mind in this overly bright, sickening sterile smelling, muggle doctor office? Pondering his wife, and his ever-growing family that this exam will ultimately help, he doesn't really take notice to the doctor entering the examination room.

"Mister Nott, it is a pleasure," the doctor holds out his hand to shake. He has warm brown eyes and isn't very tall Theo notices, but he carries himself in a way that makes him comfortable and relaxed for his patients. "I am Doctor Todd Granger, and I see my cousin brought you in today. At least you weren't drug in by her like she had to with a Mister Malfoy. I felt bad for him, but I also am all too aware of how dear sweet Hermione operates." The sarcasm lacing his voice would make him an honorary Slytherin in a moment flat. "So let's start with the easy stuff, the questions."

Two pages of questions and fifteen minutes later the two are talking like old chums. Theo understands this muggle doctor and their mutual friendship with Granger softens any possibly awkward experiences.

When it came to the actual physical part of the exam, Doctor Todd was a little more handsy than Theo was used to, but assumed that is how the muggles work, since they don't have wands and magic. Doctor Todd explained everything he was doing: from the eye exam, to checking his joints for possible inflammation, to listening to his heart and lungs.

"Hermione jumps between me and another healer as she calls her. Even tried to set me up with her on a date. I was just too worried that our backgrounds would be too different even though we work in the same field. But I went. You know how she can nag you to death, well I was sick of it, and went. I am going to tell you something you are never allowed to repeat. She was right." Theo laughed, a full-on doubled-over laugh. "Padma and I have been dating for eight months now and I am going to ask her to move in with me next week, but Hermione can't hear of this. Promise?" Theo was still laughing but nodded his assent. "Good. Now, I only have a few more things to check."

Theo, through his laughter, complied with what the doctor asked.

"There are two last things that I need to do - a urinalysis and a prostate exam. The urinalysis is simply peeing in a cup in the bathroom over there. Now, for the exam, I will need you to stand up." Theo obliged non-questioning. "Now, I need you to turn your head and cough."

Theo's eyes bulged out. He was going to get Granger back, somehow.

* * *

Author's Notes  
House: Slytherin  
Year: 7  
Drabble  
Prompt: Having a muggle medical exam as a witch/wizard  
Word Count: 936


End file.
